Bryan, I think you more than anyone alive today has influenced my thinking on a great number of different topics, but what has been most practically useful for me is what you've said about neuroticism and misunderstanding. These ideas have been really useful in my rocky marriage (2 kids though! working on more).
1. My wife is pretty neurotic. She is the first to admit it. Your writing helped me see that, the raw and intense unpleasant expression of her negative feelings are my main issue, rather than the direct subject matter she might be upset about. Usually she has some pretty valid needs and points, and it's just about getting my wife to express them clearly and calmly, and with patience as we mutually figure out what is going on.
2. Bizarrely, my wife often complains that I am _not_ showing enough anger. She has claimed I am secretly upset, and that I am covering it up, that me being spitefully upset is the main reason we have problems. This is surprising to me, but I've given serious consideration to this. I've even considered that maybe I have been deeply wrong, and open my mind to some pro-anger opinions online, and dabbled in consciously trying to be more upset and express it more (didn't work). Ultimately, I am pretty sure I am actually just rarely upset in general, that this is a really good thing, and that my wife and I actually just misunderstand each other. You've given me a good model of misunderstandings in relationships, and gradually I've been able to persuade my my wife that this is the case. Although to my wife's credit, deliberately making small irritated comments has done wonders for her. I find it very bizarre, and it's not natural to me, but I guess a little expression of negative emotions does something for her.
3. All the things you've said about "how to make friends and influence people" have put me on track to more actively and consciously reflecting on what other people want, what makes them happy, and what I can do to be pleasant to be around.
Bryan, I think you more than anyone alive today has influenced my thinking on a great number of different topics, but what has been most practically useful for me is what you've said about neuroticism and misunderstanding. These ideas have been really useful in my rocky marriage (2 kids though! working on more).
1. My wife is pretty neurotic. She is the first to admit it. Your writing helped me see that, the raw and intense unpleasant expression of her negative feelings are my main issue, rather than the direct subject matter she might be upset about. Usually she has some pretty valid needs and points, and it's just about getting my wife to express them clearly and calmly, and with patience as we mutually figure out what is going on.
2. Bizarrely, my wife often complains that I am _not_ showing enough anger. She has claimed I am secretly upset, and that I am covering it up, that me being spitefully upset is the main reason we have problems. This is surprising to me, but I've given serious consideration to this. I've even considered that maybe I have been deeply wrong, and open my mind to some pro-anger opinions online, and dabbled in consciously trying to be more upset and express it more (didn't work). Ultimately, I am pretty sure I am actually just rarely upset in general, that this is a really good thing, and that my wife and I actually just misunderstand each other. You've given me a good model of misunderstandings in relationships, and gradually I've been able to persuade my my wife that this is the case. Although to my wife's credit, deliberately making small irritated comments has done wonders for her. I find it very bizarre, and it's not natural to me, but I guess a little expression of negative emotions does something for her.
3. All the things you've said about "how to make friends and influence people" have put me on track to more actively and consciously reflecting on what other people want, what makes them happy, and what I can do to be pleasant to be around.