The Woke Sermon on the Mount
In the style of the Monarch James Bible
1 And seeing the multitudes, ze went up onto Twitter: and when ze was set, zir followers came unto zir:
2 And ze composed zir Tweets, and taught them, saying,
3 Cursed are the rich in money: for theirs is the kingdom of white supremacy.
4 Cursed are the white of skin: for their fragility is without bound.
5 Cursed are the male of gender: for they shall be MeToo’d.
6 Cursed are the Asians: for they are white-adjacent.
7 Cursed are the cisgendered: for they shall be asked their pronouns.
8 Cursed are the straight: for they shall see their own perversion.
9 Cursed are the breeders; for they shall be called defilers of the Earth.
10 Cursed are they which are called out for inclusions’ sake; for theirs is the kingdom of hell.
11 Cursed are ye, when we woke shall cancel you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you truly, for progress’ sake.
12 Lament, and be exceeding sad: for awful is your punishment on Earth: for so happy were they the cishet white males which were before you.
13 Ye are the high-scorers of the SAT: but if colleges have lost their SAT requirements, where shall it be required? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under the foot of admissions officers.
14 Ye are the darkness of the world. In a pejorative but anti-racist way.
15 Neither do Tweeters write a Tweet, and save it as a draft, but post it; and it gains retweets unto all that are on Twitter.
16 Let our tweets so shine before all, that they may see our good works, and glorify the oppressed who are on Earth.
17 Think not that I am come to destroy leftism, or its activists: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
18 For verily I say unto you, Till time and space pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from leftism, till all be fulfilled.
19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of the least leftist commandments, and shall teach folk so, he shall be called the most cancelled in the eyes of history: but whosoever shall know and teach them, the same shall be called mandatory reading in the freshman curriculum.
20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the Democrats and mainstream media, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of progress.
21 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt judge a man by the content of his character, not the color of his skin; and whoever shall judge by skin color shall be called a racist.
22 But I say unto you, That whosoever speaks of “color-blindness” shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall mock DEI shall be in danger of BLM: but whoever shall say, “man” as if it were gender-neutral shall be in danger of hell fire.
23 Therefore if thou bring thy placard to the BLM rally, and there rememberest that thy colleague hath microaggression against thee;
24 Leave there thy placard before the rally, and go thy way; first confess thy affront to thy colleague, and then come and raise thy placard.
25 Agree with your Diversity Training Officer swiftly, whiles thou art in the Zoom room with zir; lest at anytime the woke mob deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cancelled for eternity.
26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means be uncancelled hence, till thou hast apologized for the uttermost microaggression.
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not lie with a woman without her consent.
28 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall lie with a woman without stepwise affirmative consent, or exerts pressure of any kind, or with a power imbalance, is kind of rapey.
29 And if thy first-hand observation offend me, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy experiences should vanish, and not that thy whole profile should be cancelled, and thy whole account deleted.
30 And if thy common sense offend me, call it “privilege,” and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that thy common sense should perish, and not that thy whole career should be destroyed.
31 It hath been said, Whosever shall pursue a woman, let him remember that “No means No”:
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall pursue a woman, unless the pursuit be welcome beforehand, committeth sexual harassment: and whoever shall touch her without hearing “Yes means Yes” committeth sexual assault.
33 Again, ye have heard it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not use racial epithets, but shalt name every group with respect:
34 But I say unto you, Silence is violence; the oppressors call them out day and night; in the name of social justice:
35 And of allyship; for you are the footstool of the oppressed: and by San Francisco; for it is the city of the most Pure.
36 And shalt thou swear against standardized testing, because thou canst not make one score high or low.
37 So let your communication be, Racist, sexist; Anti-racist, feminist; for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Equality of opportunity, not equality of result:
39 But I say unto you, That if the result is not equal, then neither was the opportunity equal.
40 And if any man will sue thee for discrimination, and take away thy money, let him have reparations as well.
41 And whosoever shall compel thee to check thy privilege, confess thy white fragility as well.
42 Accede to her that accuseth thee, and from her that would teach you of your own iniquity turn not thou away.
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
44 But I say unto you, Hate our enemies, curse them that we curse, do ill to them that we hate, and Tweet against them which despitefully question us, and gaslight us;
45 That ye may be the children of your Chief Diversity Officer which is on earth: for ze maketh zir training to rise on the evil and on the good, and fileth reports of concern for the socially just and on the socially unjust.
46 For if ye leave alone them which leave alone you, what reward have ye? do not even the libertarians do the same?
47 And if ye curse your avowed enemies only, what do ye more than others? do not even the libertarians do the same?
48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Chief Diversity Officer is perfect.
You have heard it said of them of old time that by way of a sex-change operation, a man becometh a woman and deserveth full treatment as such, but I say unto you that any penis-haver who proclaimeth herself a woman is a woman in fact.
Whoever should seek to exclude her from women's sports or locker rooms is a TERF and in danger of judgment, and whatever cishet man should refuse relations with her is a transphobe and answerable to the council, but whoever shall say, "Sorry, sir" shall be told "IT'S MA'AM!" and put in danger of hellfire.
You forgot one: “Cursed are the breathers, for their carbon dioxide shall boil the oceans.”