How Not to Be an Incel or a Psychopath
An anonymous guest post
An anonymous reader sent me this email. Personally, I don’t really relate to it, but I expect that many Bet On It readers will have good advice for him.
Your friend Dr. Michael Huemer recently wrote: “We have no prohibitions on, say, lying to get sex... Not only don’t we have legal sanctions for these things; we don’t even have significant social sanctions, nor do we try to teach young people not to do these things.”
I don’t know if he’s read the statistics about Gen z, but situationships have become the default relationship model on college campuses. (The other default model is having no relationship at all.)
1) A 2024 YouGov survey found that 50% of Americans aged 18–34 have been in a situationship, compared to only 38% of Gen X.
2) The “Nanoship” Evolution: Tinder’s “Year in Swipe” report (late 2024) identified an even more casual trend called “nanoships”—brief, low-stakes romantic connections that don’t even reach the level of a situationship.
And no, this isn’t because the women are cool with it. They generally are very frustrated by this dynamic, and do not enter into it willingly, but the top 10-20% of desirable men (the only ones modern women are willing to date) are comfortable lying long enough to secure this arrangement for a time before moving on to the next victim, if we want to frame it that way.
Do you have any advice for men who feel like life presents us with the following predicament: be an asshole, or be celibate, or long-term commit to someone you’re just not into for anything other than sex?
What I mean is, it’s common to only want sex in your relationships with women, but it’s really, really hard to sleep with women if you’re honest about that. I have literally never met a woman who was interested in sex with me unless I told her I was planning on a long future with her, so I know for me at least, I would’ve had to have been a literal incel since I first became sexually active at age 18 if I chose the path of pure forthcomingness and honesty. So yes I admit I have exaggerated the depths of my feelings for women to get permission to have sex with them.
This makes me feel guilty every time I do it. But on the other hand, the need to have sex feels like a powerful pressure valve inside my head that has to find a release or I’ll just become depressed or tear my hair out in a frustrated sense of deprivation.
The thing is, are the women I date any worse than me? Because in turn, women greatly exaggerate their youthfulness (literally lying by three years on avg about their age on dating apps), attractiveness (by wearing makeup), and about their willingness to have sex often in the early stages of a relationship to get you to make an irreversible lifelong commitment—and then if you marry them they have a very strong tendency to let themselves go, get fat, and turn the bedroom dead.
Arguably the latter is an even more manipulative and consequential lie. (Or if it isn’t a conscious lie, it is at least a very harmful misrepresentation made by women, which they go out of their way to make for the sole purpose of influencing me to get something that they want.) If you disagree with me about the empirical claim, read Performative Bafflement’s bleak article about American obesity trends and dead bedrooms.
So should I just become a miserable, chronically sexually frustrated but honest and forthcoming person? Or should I start long term committing to people I don’t like that much?
“Just date women who want the same thing you want?” Why don’t we ask women to only date men who want the same thing they want—someone who will withhold sex and let themselves go to the tune of 20+ lbs in the long run, as most young women eventually do (again, see the depressing statistics covered in link 1 above)?
And okay, sure, I would happily do that, but where are they? I have tried to do polite society a favor by quarantining myself within venues expressly dedicated to casual sex, using the hookup app Pure. But imagine my shock when it turned out every girl I’ve met on there turned out to gatekeep sex behind professions of long term commitment as well! I also tried just practicing a policy of radical honesty and forthcomingness with anyone I dated for a year—that was last year, and I dated three women, and when they started asking about my willingness to commit, bracing for the incredible social awkwardness soon to follow, I told them very bluntly that I was only interested in sex.
I had to muster real courage to say that, and they were all horrified and deeply personally offended. I’m sure it must be so much easier to just be approximately 80% of other young men, with a normal brain, and routinely lie, psychopathically, with zero introspection or a strong sense of self-justification. It goes without saying this left me almost entirely celibate for a year, which was very painful/uncomfortable, and those girls all went on to find some other guy who wasn’t more committed than me, just more willing to tell women what they want to hear.
My friend has suggested the solution is to just say I’m interested in a LTR, and then make it as much about sex as possible, with the understanding that LTRs by default end up being impermanent anyway. The vintage divorce rate for marriage is like 50% or something, right? And then another third of marriages end up being non divorced but unhappy unions. So basically, love is fake or not something anyone can count on, and therefore promising it to someone is cheap and easy—so promise away! Well I tried that, and the relationship crashed and burned and she hates me now, and I still feel guilty.
“Just find someone you like enough you’d date them for their own sake rather than just for sex.” Uh, easier said than done. It’s extremely rare for me to find a partner I genuinely enjoy that much—most actually-hot girls are awful company. I have to make all of the plans, constantly perform for their amusement, drive every conversation, keep them laughing, spend absurd amounts of money on time consuming activities that aren’t sex, put up with her bad attitude and capricious moods, they have zero intellectual curiosity or insightfulness about anything.
At this point my thinking is the only solution is to just either kill my sex drive with drugs, or become so rich and successful that women will put up with me prioritizing the thing I actually want. And sure, whatever, I’ll strive to do that too. But it does feel a little ridiculous that these are the only options that seem like they would actually work. Or is there a drug that will enable me to “learn to enjoy the wonderful platonic company of women”? Well, let me know where I can get it and I’ll hop on that.
“Just date someone you enjoy being around but compromise on the quality of your sex life.” Frankly, even if I could find that temporarily, I’m afraid of committing because I know I’d grow tired of having sex with the same person for the rest of my life. I need novelty to feel sexually fulfilled. Most married middle aged men I know have admitted to me the sexual spark has largely died, which is sad.
(Before you cast aspersions on me for being honest about something most men have zero introspection about—can I get some credit for the fact that most men do what I’m describing above with zero compunctions or self awareness? Do I get any points for actually feeling guilty about this equilibrium and seeking a better one, instead of just proceeding with a strong sense of my self-righteousness? How many men do you know who went a full year, willingly and depressingly, without sex, just to do the right thing?)
Best,
[Anonymous]
Why isn't the author missing the obvious solution here: sex workers.
He clearly 1) wants casual sex with no committment 2) is averse to following social norms so should have no problem breaking the taboo against sex work and 3) sees himself as someone who can " become so rich and successful that women will put up with me prioritizing the thing I actually want".
Just paying to satisfy his base urges gets him what he wants while perfectly aligning with his values. Maybe he doesn't have the financial means yet, but he's clearly willing to work tremendously hard and invest to solve this problem (I imagine libido killing drugs aren't cheap). Focus on maximizing income, move to a city with a high concentration of sex workers and loosely enforced laws and do what he claims he wants.
If this doesn't work, then he's lying to himself and actually does value the emotional connection that most people get with sex (though if you're discerning enough you can get or at least mimic this with pros), so if he's unwilling to do this then it just indicates his preferences are inconsistent.
The author of this email clearly cares a lot about truth and honesty, but seems to care much less about making people feel bad. I have a few thoughts, about some of the specific claims made in the email as well as the overall approach that the email suggests:
> They generally are very frustrated by this dynamic, and do not enter into it willingly
I don't think this is true. You can say maybe that these women aren't entering into situationships without a full understanding of what will happen, but they are still choosing to have sex with men without any assurances in place that there will be a long-term relationship.
> the top 10-20% of desirable men (the only ones modern women are willing to date)
This is obviously false, and I am sure you know it. If this were true, it would imply that 80-90% of men are single! Obviously, being more desirable means you have more dating options, but I would bet that this is true for both genders.
> [women lie about their] attractiveness (by wearing makeup),
Calling this a lie is kind of ridiculous. Do you shave, or trim your beard? Have you ever had your hair cut? If so, that is basically the same thing as makeup.
> Or if it isn’t a conscious lie, it is at least a very harmful misrepresentation made by women, which they go out of their way to make for the sole purpose of influencing me to get something that they want.
This point actually seems like the crux of your problems. It is totally understanding that you would be frustrated by people unconscious self-deception, particularly because you seem to be unable to self-deceive. Being unable to self-deceive is a noble trait, but it absolutely can lead to worse outcomes than being able to convince yourself that you want something you don't.
I think that you are probably right that many Tinder situationships have a man who thinks he believes that this relationship will last for a long time, even though his last three relationships lasted two months each and overlapped each other a bit, along with a woman who thinks that she would love to have sex all the time and be a great partner even if she might just be overly optimistic about the future.
> So should I just become a miserable, chronically sexually frustrated but honest and forthcoming person? Or should I start long term committing to people I don’t like that much?
This is a false dichotomy, and there are many things in between the two. I doubt that it is literally the case that you are totally uninterested in a relationship with anyone, and that there is no one you could imagine dating. So, why not say "I'm not trying to force anything, I just want to see how things turn out", or something else which is optimistic but non-committal? It's not lying, it is literally true, and it seems like it would still allow you to play the game.
> But imagine my shock when it turned out every girl I’ve met on there turned out to gatekeep sex behind professions of long term commitment as well!
This is non-shocking. Imagine the world you are describing, from the perspective of these women. They have heard several, maybe even dozens, of men tell them that they want a long-term relationship, that they are falling in love, etc, etc, and yet each and everyone one of those men leaves after just a few weeks or months. These women probably calibrate to that, and assuming something like "men are much less committed in action than they are in words", similarly to how you have decided that women who say they are some age are probably actually 3 years older. Similarly to how you might read a profile saying "29" and in your head convert it to "32", these women probably hear you saying "I am just looking for sex" and in their heads convert it to "I am a psychopath who doesn't care what people think and I am here to use you".
And, to their credit, this entire post does lack empathy. You aren't making it seem like you want to have sex with women who want to have sex with you. The post makes it seem like you intend to use women in a way that hurts them, instead of finding mutually-beneficial relationships. Probably, however you reveal your intentions to these women, they are able to see this and decide they are uninterested in spending time with someone who doesn't want what is best for them.
> I still feel guilty.
Frankly, it seems like your guilt comes from knowing that you are looking to take advantage of people. I suspect that if you strived to make the relationship positive-sum, even if it was short-term or didn't end up working out, you could walk away from the relationship still feeling overall good about it. But you should feel guilty!
> most actually-hot girls are awful company. I have to make all of the plans, constantly perform for their amusement, drive every conversation, ... etc ... etc
It sounds like you are experiencing Simpson's paradox, where the only "actually-hot" women that are willing to spend time with you want more from you than people who are satisfied with just your body. You have to give a certain amount of relationship quality to a partner to keep them around, and you are finding that for partners who have higher market value, the price is higher. This shouldn't be a surprise to you.
> Do I get any points for actually feeling guilty about this equilibrium and seeking a better one, instead of just proceeding with a strong sense of my self-righteousness?
I think you get some points for noticing it and thinking it is silly, but when you are in a context where words have specific meanings, it can be more harmful to people to try and pretend you are in a different context where words have different meanings. It's fully expected that you lie about your willingness to work in an interview, there are various government forms where you are expected to fill out a specific bubble whether or not the text next to that bubble represents a true fact about the world, and in romantic contexts, saying "I'm just going with the flow and trying to see what the universe tells me" means "I am mostly interested in sex but haven't entirely ruled out alternate possibilities". But saying "I am mostly interested in sex but haven't entirely ruled out alternate possibilities" means "I am 100% interested in sex and uninterested in anything else". And "I am 100% interested in sex and uninterested in anything else" means "I am a serial killer who is going to have sex with you and then dismember you in my basement".
Yes, it's unfortunate that words don't always mean the same thing. But given that, you should strive to do what is best, not what feels more literally correct.
Also, you should try liking women and thinking about what you can offer them, instead of thinking of them as "someone who will withhold sex and let themselves go to the tune of 20+ lbs in the long run".
It's more important to communicate successfully than literally. It's more important that the recipient understands the message you mean to convey, even if that involves saying sequences of words which are not the most blunt and direct way of expressing one subset of your feelings.
Figure out how to hedge and be non-committal (pun intended) in your answers to questions about the future, and embrace the ambiguity.