A Tale from the Friend Zone
An anonymous reader sent me this reaction to Self-Help Is Like a Vaccine. Very personal, very good. Reprinted with permission. Enjoy?
I have bought all of your little books, and so ordered the latest, the self-help one, last week. I read it like a page-turner. The best chapter, for me, was the one on a lady saying she is not interested in you as a boyfriend but maybe as a friend. You lay out the options and the values and out drops the sensible conclusion: simply split.
Just this scenario, minus the good reasoning, has happened to me — but I chose friend because I thought I could reason her to boyfriend. It has never worked. I persisted because, as a philosophy grad student and then professor, reasoning was my strong card, though inapplicable here. I took my vocational habit as a universal solvent. I also persisted because I did not have another ladyfriend out there in waiting or even in mind, so it would mean the pain of having to forage yet again with uncertain success.
In the most memorable case, back in grad school, I had dated this woman a number of times and all the dates were very good, yet she showed no affection, as in, well, not even a kiss goodnight. I finally confronted her on this and spent more than an hour arguing with her, with the result being she said she thought of me like a brother. Now this is a woman I at long last thought was a possible spouse, and I had thought of flying her out to meet my mother, etc. I don't know if she knew what a kiss of death she happened to zap me with: like a brother. It would zap most males, I reckon.
I chose to remain friends and saw her as a friend for about five more years, and in three different states. Lo and behold, one day I found out a few years back that she was a lesbian and had a long-term partner. In the early 70s, I guess she didn't want to simply tell me the truth. I still would have tried to argue with her. She really was perfect.
Now in deep retirement, I wonder a lot about regrets for things done or not done in the past.
Think about it this way…imagine a time where a woman you did not find attractive was interested in you. Suppose she laid out ironclad logic for why you two should be together. Would you get into a relationship with her even though you weren’t attracted to her? I imagine not.
So why would you expect a woman to do that which you yourself would be unwilling to do?
As another analogy. Keynesian models are ironclad in their mathematical logic but it doesn’t mean that they do a good job explaining how the macroeconomy actually works. You should think of yourself as using the wrong model for dating.
Friendzoning is a nice way of telling someone that they are not attracted to you.
I suggest reading David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating. It works for all adult ages. Make sure you get the DeAngelo one, there’s another with the same title my PJ Carlson which is no good.
A poor salesman keeps trying to sell to the same customer who keeps saying "No" for five years when there are so many other prospects out there willing to buy.